First Year University Experience

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Apparently I’ve just finished my first year at university? I say apparently because I have no idea where those 9 months have gone, they have quite literally flown by. I didn’t really get off to the best start at university, don’t get me wrong, the first 3 months were amazing, but upon returning after the Christmas break it just went to absolute shambles. I missed home, my mental health was awful and I was just unhappy. Having said this, I’m in a much better place now, a few more months down the line, and I’m bloody excited for second year, I cannot tell you.

Here’s what my first year at university was like…it was an interesting one that’s for sure.

Halls – Halls are both the best and worse places to live. You’ll attend some of the best flat parties ever, and meet some of the best people, that’s the good part. The trouble started when people didn’t clean up after themselves and started taking my food. To be fair my flat mates weren’t terrible, but I’m pretty sure I was the only one that even touched the hoover the entire time we were living there, I must have been the only one that knew how to use a disinfectant wipe for the kitchen as well… Another thing that I never thought I’d have to deal with is someone taking my food, to be fair it was only tea and ketchup of mine that went walk abouts, but still, am not one for sharing any food, particularly my tea.

Money – Money wasn’t too big of a concern to me, as I had worked very hard the summer previous to save up enough to get me through it. What I wasn’t best pleased with is that I got the smallest amount of student loan, how any student is meant to live on that is beyond me. But I mustered through nonetheless, next year I plan on not being so protective over it, just spend it and enjoy myself, after all university will only happen once for me – I don’t want to look back on it and think, oh I wish I hadn’t been so tight and gone out more.

Freshers Week – I was the unfortunate one that got struck down with freshers flu within the first 4 days of moving in, so I only really enjoyed the first week. Freshers was an interesting one for me because I don’t drink a lot, I was always the one that people would come to in the morning to ask how much they had ruined their lives the night previous thanks to one too many cocktails.

Lectures – I absolutely loved my lectures, I think I may be the only student to ever say that? So I study Textile Design which is of course very practical, therefore it was always nice to have a lecture once or twice a week to shake things up. I struggled with sitting still for so long when I first joined, but I soon got used to it.

Friends – I have made some of the best friends at university, who I will definitely have for life. Like anything in life you’re never going to get along with everyone and this became apparent to me within the first couple of months, but this didn’t matter as long as I had my little group. Making friends I didn’t struggle with too much, I think this was down to me just faking my confidence and talking to literally everyone, had I not done this I’m sure it would have been a much different story.

My first year could have gone a lot better, but overall it was a massive learning curve, I now definitely know what I would/will be doing differently come September!

Any of you who have been to university, what was your first year experience like? This always interests me!

All my love,

Han.

LONDON BABY

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I think the correct way to start this post off is quoting the famous Joey Tribiani with – ‘LONDON BABY’; if you know what episode I’m referring too you’ve instantly just gone up in my estimations.

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It’s not often I get the chance to head into London, mainly just through having a fairly busy schedule, that and the fact it costs and absolute bomb to get up there for me…£40 for a return on the train hahahahah Southern Rail, are you joking hun? Anyway that aside I recently headed to London for the day with my parents to celebrate my Mums’ 50th birthday – can we all just admire the fact she doesn’t look 50 at all, bloody hope I’ve inherited the good ageing genetics…

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The main reason we popped into London for the day was to visit the Royal Academy of Arts, for their 250th Summer Exhibition. So me being a typical art hoe, I was completely in my element. If you find art boring or it isn’t really your cup of tea, first of all – are u ok??? Secondly, I suggest you read no further, because this is going to be your typical arty farty post of me gawping over some incredible art works.

Having specialised in art/textiles for the past 3 years, and with the intention of pursing it as a career I’m a lover or art galleries and exhibitions. I’m lucky to have very artistic parents, one of them being a graphic designer, and the other just being very good with a set of pencils, I grew up looking around various galleries in London. Granted the first time my Dad took my to an art gallery I was far too young to appreciate it and was probably being a little shit complaining at how bored I was. Luckily, I now can’t get enough of them. I could happily spend all of my spare time walking around art galleries, I really do just go off into my own little world and it’s a very calming experience.

Since specialising I’ve found my style, which is very bold, contemporary and free – the RA  Exhibition exhibited plenty of this sort of style, I was completely in awe of some of the pieces, not to mention how much I was taken aback by their price tags. The painting of the Adidas trainers; £144,000…crazy! I mean, I know art work is expensive, but this really took me by surprise. The exhibition really did have something for everyone, I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t enjoy it. It had everything from contemporary paintings, to mixed media art works, and even architectural pieces.

As I am studying Textiles at university, any time I can get to an exhibition I generally do as I find these really help fuel my creative spark. If I have a bit of a creative artists block, I can guarantee that I’ll leave feeling inspired and with a million and one ideas, this proved when I left the Summer Exhibition. I left feeling inspired, excited and with an abundance of new project and art work ideas, it was a successful trip!

RA Summer Exhibition…A Brief Background 

2018 is a historic year for the RA as it is their foundations 250th birthday. The main objective of the academy being to establish a fine art school funded from the proceeds made at the annual summer exhibition – this year the exhibition being co-ordinated by the one and only Grayson Perry, who if you’ve never heard of before…search him up, please, you won’t regret it. The summer exhibition is a unique one, exhibiting art works from both the general public and also members of the artists trade union all under one roof. I cannot rate this exhibition enough, if you get the chance to go into London and have a look I really would, I loved it so much I’m half tempted to go again just so I can properly appreciate all of the art works.

Once we had wandered around the exhibition, that took us to nearly 3PM, by that point I was getting hangry, I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so of course I needed feeding. We popped to Pret, I grabbed myself a salad, then we walked back to the RA and sat in the gardens at Burlington house to enjoy our lunch. We picked one of the best days to go to London as it was absolutely boiling, I’m one of the few people that adores this heatwave weather, just wanting to be out in it as much as possible!

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We then took a walk back up to Victoria train station, past Queenies house – which I had a bit of a Megan Markle moment in front of, and I’d be lying if I said 10 years from now I hope to be marrying a prince too. All in all I had a lovely day in London both visiting the exhibition and celebrating my Mums big birthday. Over all too quickly and I can’t wait to get back to London some point soon! I’d love to have some blogger pals to go to London with, to explore all of the generic blogger places, take photos and sip tea, if this sounds like a plan, slide into my DMs x

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All my love,

Han xx

What To Do When Your Brain Is Being a Dick

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I’m currently sat in my little room feeling more anxious than I have done in a long time. I’m desperately trying to not question it and let it pass over, but thats easier said than done. I’ve been doing exceptionally well recently, so why this has come over me I don’t know, but here were are and instead of shutting myself off, I’m doing something about it…

It’s not new news that I suffer with anxiety, and it fucking sucks sometimes, ALWAYS – but its one of those things I’m unfortunately always going to have the pleasure of dealing with, as are many other people. I’ve taught myself that its something I just need to accept, and when it comes on bad, like it has done tonight, to just distract myself, accept it, and not question why – this used to be my biggest downfall when it came to dealing with it is I would alway tell myself I wasn’t meant to feel like it, when who says I shouldn’t?

So with anxiety and many other mental health issues being part of my daily life, I thought I’d chat through how I distract myself when I’m having a bad day…

Blogging – We’ll start with the most obvious one for me, blogging, what I’m doing right now to distract myself from that little annoying voice in my head. Since I picked up blogging last year, its been a way for me to express myself in another form. Not only this, but I have met the most wonderful people through my little corner on the internet – which means that when I am feeling particularly bad, like I am tonight, I know that I have so many blogging girls that I can turn to for a good chat to take my mind off things.

Drawing – Put a pen in paper in front of me and I literally zone out completely, I’m in my happy place. I find that drawing particularly helps after I’ve had a panic attack, I’m not sure what it is that it so soothing, but it calms me down so much which is exactly what I need after I’ve worked myself up over something silly.

Running – A little saying that I resonate with massively is “Running saved me from myself”. Had I not picked up running when I did, I can honestly say that I don’t think I would be where I am today. It keeps me sane, takes my mind of things and also is an amazing stress outlet. Once I get into my zone, music on, I’m unstoppable when it comes to running – I have a lot to thank it for. Thanks Dad, for dragging me out training with you when you did x

Reading – One of the best ways to get out of your own head for a while is to get properly stuck into a good book. I’m a lover of crime books, so these are perfect when I need something to take my mind of things. I find it’s sort of like living a life that isn’t really your own for a while – which I like the thought of.

Seeing my friends – If I’m totally honest, going out and seeing people when I am anxious is literally the last thing I want to do, but I always feel better for doing it. Its a tough battle because I know my head doesn’t want me to go out, but I’m so stubborn and I just want to challenge it and prove to myself that I can do things I enjoy without my anxiety stopping me.

Getting myself ready – This might sound like an odd one. But if I wake up feeling anxious, I can’t even bring myself to get ready sometimes – but much like the pushing myself to go out with friends situation, if I force myself to get ready, do my hair, I know I’ll feel so much better for it, and it normally takes my anxiety down a notch too which is what I need to remind myself.

And there we have it, anxiety is a bitch, but it’s part of who I am. Learning to deal with it has been a struggle and a half, I’d be lying if I said at some points I wanted to give up, and some days I still do, but I know that I’m stronger than that. Lets face it, after suffering with my mental health since I was about 6, I’m pretty thick skinned and can get through a lot, stronger on the other side.

I’m intrigued to know how you all keep your mind busy when you get anxious, even if you don’t have anxiety, how do you keep yourself busy during tough times?

All my love,

Han xx

 

Things Are Starting to Look Up…Finally

Things Are Starting to Look Up…Finally

I hate to exaggerate but the past 9 months have been the worst 9 months I’ve ever been through, and I’m bloody proud I pulled myself through them and made it out the other end! I started university, struggled with university, got into a toxic relationship, suffered with my mental health more than ever, this in turn effecting my physical health and well over all its been a car crash of a 9 months. But after plenty of tears, tantrums and me deciding I want to give everything up, and move myself to some remote country and be at one with the world having no stress or problems, I’ve finally (somewhat) got my shit together…for the time being anyway.

Here’s how things are starting to look up for me…

I’ve got myself a new job – I came back from university around April time and decided I wasn’t happy where I was originally working, so decided to do something about it. I got myself another waitressing job to keep me tired over while I’m not studying, at a local pub – I’ve never been happier at a job. I work with a lovely bunch of people, I’ve settled in scarily well, already feeling part of the team even after only being there for a couple of months.

Got out of a toxic relationship – When I started university I fell head over heels for a guy who I definitely shouldn’t have. I think this was one of the reasons I struggled so much when it came to settling in at university. The guy who I was with made me doubt a lot about myself, I lost a lot of confidence, and began to think I wasn’t good enough for anyone. It wasn’t until I arrived home from university that something just clicked in my head and I realised I could do so much better. I recently wrote a post all about the break up I went through which you can fine here, if you’re interested. Also, may I just add that since dropping the fuckboy, I’ve now found a guy who treats me well, texts me back and actually wants to take me out, so they do exist, and there is hope for us all, girls!

I have an exciting summer planned – This is the first year in a while that I’ve said a big fuck you to my anxiety and I’ve made some fairly exciting plans for the summer including festivals, days out, and holidays – all of which I am sure will make an appearance on the blog. That’s another thing, I finally got my booty back into gear and have got my blog back up and running, with a bit of a theme revamp, what do we think?! I neglected it for a while because the guy I was seeing would take the piss out of it…knob I know, the fact that he made me feel stupid for doing something I enjoy will forever anger me, but I’m onto bigger and better things now, boy bye.

I’m going back to university!!! – This is the one that I am most excited about, that I am going back to studying what I love. I went through a stage when my MH was particularly bad that I didn’t want to continue my degree, but since then I’ve realised that I’m bloody good at what I do and that if I love it that much its worth pursuing further. This time I vow to myself not to get involved with anyone toxic and to throw myself into everything. If I don’t do this, someone please shake me and force me to put myself out there more, kind regaurds.

Lastly, I’ve got my mojo back – I went through a period of being very unmotivated with everything, like I’m not exaggerating when I say that I literally wanted to do nothing. I lost my love for all my hobbies, drawing, running, socialising, knitting (I’m secretly an 80 year old) – the whole lot. I’ve recently got my motivation back for everything, I’m back to designing, loving my training, and I’m back doing my blog and social medias which I couldn’t be happier about. I’ve also got my personality back, which sounds stupid, but when all of this was going on I lost my sparkle, and sarcasm which is what I’m known for, but rest assured, sarcastic and sassy Han is back in full force.

I sincerely hope that I haven’t just jinxed everything and that I’ll wake up tomorrow with my life falling apart, I will not be a happy bunny. But for now, for the first time in a long time I’m very content and happy with my life and it’s a pretty fab feeling – I mean I’ll keep you updated if things change, but I bloody hope they don’t; if they could keep getting better that would be greatly appreciated.

All my love,

Han xx

Lets Get Personal

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So I’ve been blogging for nearly a year now, which is just crazy when I think how bloomin’ fast that year has gone and the amount my little corner on the Internet has grown within that time. But recently I realised as I was riffling through my archive, that I had never actually done a get to know me type post back when I started my blog. So here it is, possibly about 11 months over due, but better late than never, right?

Zodiac sign – I’m a Virgo, a true August baby, who’s always been the youngest of the bunch – which has come with many perks. I’m not really one to believe in star signs and horoscopes, but I would say I hold pretty much every characteristic a Virgo would typically acquire.  I’m loyal, analytical and methodical, the latter 2 being things that were always bought up throughout my education, and I still carry as traits to this day. Going by the generic Virgo explanation, I’m also meant to be over critical of myself, tick – I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to criticizing myself.  And shy – kind of tick. When you first meet me, chances are I will be very shy, but give me a couple of hours (or a cocktail) and you’ll be asking me to shut up, I put money on it.

Ever Been Through a Bad Breakup? – Like most girls my age I’ve been through my fair share of fuck boys, and heartbreak, I recently wrote a post all about my first love which you can check out here, if you’re interested to see how I got over it and back out there.

Turn ons? – To give you an idea of my type, I would say Zac Effron, yes, yes I am your typical 18 year old girl still swooning over him. But then at the same time if you put Cillian Murphy or Aaron Paul in front of me I would be just as happy. If a guy can make me laugh and understand my sarcasm, that is a massive turn on for me. I like someone who can give as good as they get – I’ve grown up with boys so my sense of humor can be quite savage, if I can find someone that I click with on that level, I’m happy.

Turn offs? – Someone who is very cock sure. Cockiness is my biggest pet peeve, I’m all for loving yourself and hyping yourself up, but there is nothing worse than a cocky guy, who thinks they are a gift from god, and could get any girl they want, I don’t think so pal. A perfect example of someone like this is Adam from Love Island, he makes me feel quite ill, both his personality and the way he treats girls makes me question the sort of upbringing he’s had.

Last thing that made you cry? – I couldn’t tell you. I’m a very over emotional person, I cry when I’m happy, when I’m sad, I’m also known for getting teary when I’m tired and hung-over. Lets face it the last time I cried was probably the day after having one to many porn star martinis and not enough sleep.

What would you change about yourself? – Good god, if I had the money I would probably change every inch of my body, but that’s not exactly rational. One thing I’m mega self conscious about is I have a very round face and proper chubby cheeks (cute when you’re a small child, not so much when you’re 18), it sounds so stupid, but its something that has bothered me for years and if I could change it I would. If I had the money I would probably get my boobs done too because its not new news that I literally have the chest of a 12 year old boy, here’s to my AA crew, you’re not alone x

What do you regret? – I’m a big believer of everything happens for a reason, so with that I’m also a believer that you shouldn’t regret anything. So I do exactly that, I don’t regret any decisions I have made, people I have been involved with or opportunities I have turned down. The only thing I probably regret is probably not having dessert when I last went out for dinner.

There we are, 11 months down the line you know a bit more about me, I hope it wasn’t as boring as the typical ‘what pets do you have’ type of get to know me and that it was a bit more fun (although I do have a chocolate Labrador called Megan, incase you were wondering).

PS feel free to take these questions and answer them in a blog post yourself, I’d love to get to know some of you better!

PPS – I am lowkey interested in what pets you all have so let me know if you have any cute doggos too.

All my love,

Han xx

Getting Over a Breakup & Learning to be Happy Again

Getting Over a Breakup & Learning to be Happy Again

I hate the phrase ‘men are trash’, because it seems to brand all men as trash – I’m reluctant to admit it but they aren’t all bad, even though at the moment I’m still in that post break up stage that brands them all terrible and leading me to want to stay single and free forever – I’m sure I’ll surpass that stage soon, or at least lets hope so…

I’m sure I can vouch for a large majority of young women out there like myself, when I say we’ve all had our hearts broken or at least been messed around by a fuckboy. If you’ve stumbled across this post I’m assuming that you’ve recently been through a break up; either that or you’d like to see how I got over mine. Which I have to add wasn’t even a proper break up as we were never ‘official’…confusing, I know – I’ll briefly explain the situation at hand shortly. I don’t really know what goes through guys heads but it seems the majority of them at the moment can’t seem to commit to anything, they would rather throwaway a good girl all for a quickie with Becky from Wick.

There are a million and one reasons why people go through breakups, all the way from cheating, to someone just waking up and deciding that its not what they want anymore – this is one that terrifies me; if you’ve been keeping up with Love Island this year, you’ll know this is why Kendalls previous relationship broke down. How you can be with someone for years, then wake up one morning and decide you don’t love them anymore, is a prospect I cannot get my head around. My situation being that my ex wasn’t over the girl he was with previously, he strung me along for a good 9 months, saw her behind my back, basically made me out to be a bit of a fool, told me everything I wanted to hear, manipulated me the entire way through and then effectively just ghosted me, no closure whatsoever – I’m reluctant to admit it, but he was my first love so that hurt like hell, but I’ve cried all my tears, got angry, gone a bit crazy on him, and have now started to move on, thank god. So here’s how I did it…

I got sad…very sad – I went through the stage that I’m sure all of us go through where we feel very sorry for ourselves and decide that we are never going to find anyone like them again (you’ll soon realise this is the whole point anyway…you don’t want the heartbreak again). I had convinced myself I wasn’t good enough for anyone, not pretty enough, not funny enough, ya know, the general I’m never going to be enough for anyone stage. I think one of the hardest things for me was not having any answers, I still to this day have no idea why he left me for his ex. I spent a lot of time questioning what was wrong with me, and what was so great about her, before I soon realised that it was his problem that he was too hung up on his past that he couldn’t live in the present.

I then got angry…which needed to happen – I’m one of those people that once I’m over being sad about something I’ll get really bloomin’ angry. After not really bothering with me for a few weeks he started to pipe up again, telling me he missed me, still loved me the usual bullshit, and shock, I fell for it. I met up with him again – which may I just add was the worst decision I have ever made in all of my 19 years of existence. He told me everything I wanted to hear, treated me like he did when we first got together, then 2 days later spent the weekend with another girl. This is when I got angry, it wasn’t the fact that he was with his ex, I’m used to this by now, it was the fact that while they were together he was still telling me he missed me…erm excuse me??? BOY BYE. Any guy who thinks this is remotely okay is worth steering clear of. This wound me up like nobody’s business and he got the whole raft of an angry Han, which isn’t pleasant.

Speak to people about it – My best friend Soph has been an absolute star throughout this whole situation, she’s been a shoulder to cry on, and she’s also made me realise my self worth, that I can do approximately 1000000x better than someone who only talks to me when its convenient for them. My parents were also brilliant when it came to helping me move on – annoyingly my Mum said from the offset that she didn’t like him, and if only I had listened to her at the start, I would have never been in this situation. Top tip, your Mums first opinion of people is always right.

Get a grip – Or as my Dad would tell me ‘pull yourself together’. Yes he was my first love, yes he hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before, but there will be other guys. Another thing my Dad has always told me which I’m beginning to see is true, is that you’re going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Basically you’re going to have to go through some heartbreak before you find the one – that’s just life.

Learn to not let it turn you cold – Once one boy fucks me over that’s it, I turn cold and assume all guys are out to do the same thing. A mindset that I really should get out of because truth be told, deep down I know not all guys are like that, and there are people out there who would treat me right – I just have a track record for picking out the dickheads.

Lastly…put yourself back out there – Once you’ve gotten over the one who treated you badly, start to put yourself back out there. You’ll quickly realise the reason why your previous relationship didn’t work out, and that it was probably for the best anyway…something better will always come along, even though anyone who told me this a couple of months ago, I probably would have politely told them to do one and that I was going to be single forever…and people say I’m dramatic???

Anyway I’ve rambled on enough about my break up (that wasn’t even a proper break up), I’ve dwelled on it for long enough and now it’s time for me to move on and let him just be a piece of my past. I’ve got too much of a busy life to spend time mourning over my first love, it was good for a while, but it’s time to move onto bigger and better things.

All my love,

Han xx

A Little Life Update..

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So those of you who have been around for a while now will know that over the past few years my mental health has been all over the place. At the end of last year/start of this year, I suffered with it more than ever and lost interest in all the things I loved doing, which included blogging, YouTube, something I thought I would always enjoy. Not only this but I lost all my love for anything creative, running and even going out – I literally just wanted to stay in my flat all day.

Anyway, enough of the negative stuff, I just wanted to create a little post to say I am still here and recently I’ve started to feel so much better, and more myself than I have done in a long time – I’ve rekindled my love for all my creative talents and training, I’ve also found the motivation to get back into blogging and fingers crossed YouTube, providing I don’t chicken out of it again.

As I have mentioned in my previous posts, I dropped out of university, it got to the point where I couldn’t attend my lectures due to anxiety, wouldn’t even visit my friends. So I sort of came to the conclusion that getting a degree, wasn’t really worth sacrificing my mental health for. University will always be there for me to continue with later in life, if I have the urge to do so.

I’m going to take a slightly different approach to blogging for the time being, I want it as a record for me to look back on later in life, see what I was up to that kind of thing. There will still be the generalised fashion/beauty posts here and there, but for now it’s going to be much more lifestyle based, just while I ease myself back into it.

Another thing you might be wondering is, so if I dropped out, what am I doing now? I’m actually working full time, for the time being, with the aim of by this time next year I’ll have enough saved up to decide what I want to do with it. Whether that be traveling, or pursuing another qualification.

I hope you’re all well and I look forward to having a good catch up with all the posts I’ve missed out on in my absence!

Han xx