At Look Back At 18…

Hey guys, welcome back! So on Wednesday the 29th, I finally turned 19 (which I vlogged!! Feel free to check it out here!)  – being an end of August baby it’s been long awaited. Since turning 18 last year I’ve been through plenty of ups and downs, so I thought it would be nice to look back on and for me to see how far I’ve come – seeing as I’ve had multiple people tell me I’m a different person now than to what I was this time last year!

Like I mentioned previously I’m an end of August baby, so by the time I had turned 18 all of my friends had had the experience of going out and learnt to handle their drink slightly better…I can’t say the same for myself – the second day of being 18 was spent very hungover, thanks to Slug and Lettuce 2-4-1, and also birthday celebrations meant all my pals were keeping me topped up. I was determined to make 18 a good one…but not to be a negative Nora it went down just as quickly as it started to pick up unfortunately.

I then proceeded to start university about 2 weeks after turning 18 and let me tell you the first 2 months of university were the best 2 months I’ve ever had. Socials, making friends and doing something I loved – I was quite literally having the time of my life, my anxiety was practically non-existent alongside other mental health illness, and I felt like a completely new me! But this all changed when I met a guy…how many times have we all heard this..

I don’t want to dwell on my now ex too much, he doesn’t deserve the time of day, but put politely he was a knob. I don’t need to tell you what he put me through – it’s enough for me to just tell you that my mental health took a turn for the absolute worst, he made me feel bad for going out with all my friends and generally being social (even though thats a normal thing for university students), all in all he made the time together for me an absolute nightmare. Oh and he cheated, did I mention that? Something I regret massively is not leaving it all sooner because I would have then made the most of first year, but we cant turn back the clock, so I’ll just make up for it in second year. But one thing that that pathetic excuse for a relationship taught me, is that if he’s not treating you the way you know you should be treated, just leave, don’t think you can change him, because you can’t. As hard as that is to hear.

Quickly moving on from that, I ended up leaving university in March because my mental health got so bad that I needed to be at home. I had got it into my head that I wasn’t going to go back to university. But no one was shocked to hear me say that in June I wanted to go back, when your as passionate about something as I am about my degree, you’re bound to end up back there getting it. Sooooo…I start year 2 in 2 weeks time, how exciting, I’m going to promise to make this year a good one and make up for everything that I missed out on last year, I think I deserve to have a bit of fun!

While being 18 I’ve had some real lows with my mental health, I suffered more so than ever, which was hard for a lot of people to see – especially as I was straight up refusing to get any sort of help. The tables turned though, when I was admitted to hospital with bad heart palpitations. Heart palpitations are something that aren’t foreign to me, but when my anxiety is bad, thus effects my heart, and one night it just went into overdrive. Despite it being nothing serious, it properly shook me up, so as soon as I could I booked myself into the doctors. Although they weren’t much help (I literally walked in, opened up to my doctor, told him everything and got sent away with a bloody leaflet), I feel like that was the first step in me making a choice to get better. It’s been a bumpy old ride since, but at the moment I’m feeling better than ever, of course I still get bad days, I will for the rest of my life, but these bad days aren’t all the time now, and when they are bad, I know exactly how to manage them. My Dad has been my biggest help when dealing with my mental health, I honestly don’t think I would be here without his help – but one thing that he has drilled into my head this year, is that life isn’t linear, you have to experience being low, to know what it feels like to be happy, and that is so true. He’s also told me multiple times to pull my self together, which occasionally is all I need to hear, so thank you Dad.

Lastly, I’ve made some of the best friends, and memories (mainly throughout summer) since being 18. Starting university has given me life long friendships, as well as starting a new job. I vowed to myself at the beginning of summer to have good one, and boy did it not disappoint, giving me memories to look back on and laugh at. I’m in a good place at the moment, and 19 looks fairly promising. So, heres to being 19.

PS. Future Han, if you’re reading this and having a bit of a down day, just remember how far you’ve come, you’ve got this gal.

All my love,

Han xx

5 thoughts on “At Look Back At 18…

  1. Enjoy your 19th year! As you get older you will realise more and more who are important and what matters and those people that upset you when you were 18 are distant memories! Live life to the fullest and keep your mind healthy with all you are doing! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so proud of you for taking the steps to get help and you should be proud of yourself too. It gets better I promise as you learn how to manage it, although you do still have the odd flare up time to time for seemingly no reason at all! Good luck in your second year of University. x


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